Here we are. Back in KC. Most of the time it feels like a dream and not a reality. I’m not sure how to act, how to respond or what to think about all of it. But here we are. Drawn by God’s presence to this place. Since the beginning of arriving here, my heart has been in knots. I feel the Lord drawing to something bigger, something deeper. But I can’t put my finger on it. All I know is that I have this crazy & deep desire for the Lord to grip my heart. To break my heart for what breaks His. To grip my heart with the things of heaven and the things that are on His mind and heart. I was reading just a snippet of David Brainerd’s life and he said something that captured my heart and thoughts;
I could have no freedom in the thought of any other circumstance or business in life: All my desire was the conversion of the heathen, and all my hope was in God: God does not suffer me to please or comfort myself with hopes of seeing my friends, returning to my dear acquaintance, and enjoying worldly comforts”
After reading that my desire for the Lord to grip my heart grew stronger. A desire to follow after Him no matter the cost. A desire to have a heart for the lost. A heart that fears nothing but of the thought of them going to hell. That my heart would be so broken for the lost. I want to be burdened with prayer for them. Hell is NOT a place that anyone should want. That my hunger for the Lord would grow stronger and no matter what I will follow after Him. My heart is to follow after God all the days of my life. May my freetime be spent with him. That being on facebook, texting, playing games, any other social networking would be seen as a distraction. I don’t want to be distracted away from my loving Creator. I want my hearts cry to reach heaven’s throne and touch God’s very heart.
I only have eyes for You (God). No one can love me like You do. Can You feel the reach in my heart? All I really want is Your heart, I’m a lovesick soul! I want more.”
“Let my prayer be set before You as incense.” -Psalm 141:2
My heart BURNS to be close to God. I have all these desires in my heart. I just don’t know how to put them into action. I want to broken out of my ignorance and complacency. I don’t want to continuously fill myself up of things in this world but of heavenly things. This desire isn’t purely for just me either. I want my children to see life through God’s eyes and to have a heart like Christ.
That they would know how to live a life before God and sing of His wonder. To take delight in His amazing glory!
I just can not even begin to explain to you this overwhelming desire in my soul. It is so deep. All I know is that I don’t want to live a shallow and unfocused life anymore. I want to have substance. To learn of the deep things. The knowledge I have of God now isn’t enough. I want more. I want to hear His voice calling my name, calling me out. I yearn to be a holy, pure and spotless bride. I want to see in the Spirit, to see angels! This life isn’t enough. There is more and I want to experience it. Draw me deeper Lord. Grip my heart and never let go.
I am excited for this new season of life. It is the season we have been longing for. Here’s to You Jesus! My family and I give this season to You, that You would have Your way in our lives and hearts. Grant us dove’s eyes. Eyes completely focused upon God & Jesus on the throne. That we would not look to the left or to the right, but straight into Your eyes. A focused life.