Here I am. In the middle of winter. Physically cold outside and literally some days below freezing. I find myself in a winter of my own… in my heart. I have felt dull and useless. I’m not sure where along the lines this has happened. I feel as though my flesh has become louder than Holy Spirit. And that, dear friends, is not ok with me.
Restless in bed and sleepless through the night,
I longed for my lover.
-Song of Solomon 3:1 The Msg
I feel as though I am wandering the streets with a blindfold on. Calling out the name of my Beloved and I cannot hear His answer. It’s as if I am playing a game of Marco Polo, except I’m calling for Jesus, with no answer of Danielle. Just my lone Jesus echoing off of the walls of the buildings that surround me.
“Jesus.” No answer.
“Jesus.” I call again.
“Jesus?” Now I’m question myself and start to worry. My Jesus echoing off the walls, and me with my blindfold on being like a bat using echo location to keep me from running into walls. Getting frustrated I call out again,
“Jesus.” Still no answer. This time with a worry and a cry in my heart I scream out in desperation, at the top of my lungs,
“JESUUUUUS!!!!!!” I feel like the Shulamite in Song of Solomon.
Restless in bed and sleepless through the night,
I longed for my lover.
I wanted him desperately. His absence was painful.
So I got up, went out and roved the city,
hunting through streets and down alleys.
I wanted my lover in the worst way!
I looked high and low, and didn’t find him.
-Song of Solomon 3:1 & 2 The Msg
It’s a season of Jesus drawing me to Himself, but only out of my pure desperation and desire for Him. The funny thing is… I don’t feel as if I am alone in this. I have talked to a few friends who also have felt a struggle within their hearts. Frustrated with where life is at. As if we are just wandering, and wandering what is our purpose.
As a mother of 4 I identify with this struggle so well. Sometimes I get lost in my identity as a mom or homemaker, or wife and think… isn’t there more than this? I see other mothers succeeding and doing well and here I am sitting on the floor in awe of my life in it’s chaos (which truly isn’t all that often) and I curl into the fetal position and try to survive.
This last year of 2013 was a crazy year of the unexpected. We felt God call us back to our home state and away from the place we longed to be at for so long. So being about 35 weeks pregnant at the time, we packed up our KC life and moved back to our home state of MN. There we had our 4th child, who was born straight into the arms of his earthly daddy, because the midwives didn’t arrive in time. It was precious and beautiful something I will never forget it. About 4 months later we found out we were pregnant with our 5th child! This threw us for a loop and we were unprepared and scared. After coming to terms with this new one, we became excited and ready to take on the challenge, and we encouraged close friends and family members to join us in pregnancy! Then 7 1/2 weeks of pregnancy came and we found out we had miscarried. Our 5th baby, Shekinah May, was now in the arms of our Jesus. This was our first miscarriage. It was a hard pill to swallow. I didn’t know how to feel. Do I feel sad? Relieved? Guilty? So many emotions, that I had shut my emotions down to keep me from feeling anymore. About a week later my sister and her husband came to us and announced that they were pregnant with their 3rd! We were elated!! The long awaited 3rd baby cousin/neice/nephew was on the way!! I couldn’t have been happier for them!! After, a bit sadness crept in. I began to realize this would probably be my sister’s last baby and I couldn’t be pregnant with her. Which was something we both thought would be fun. I felt robbed. Robbed of a baby. Robbed of the joy of being pregnant with my sister. I became furiously angry with the situation, and longed for what I couldn’t have. After dealing with my feelings on it, I made up my mind that no matter what I would choose love. I chose to love my sister through it. Even though I couldn’t be pregnant with her, I would love on her and on her baby. And I still choose that.
Christmas came and I felt nonchalant about it all. I didn’t care, and it all felt as if it was fleeting and unsatisfying. I wanted something more out of Christmas. More than just the songs, more than just the money and the gifts and the food. I longed for something deeper. I wanted my kids to think there is more to Christmas than just the gifts. No matter how much we told our kids what Christmas was about, it still somehow came around to presents. It made my insides churn. Then Christmas went.
2014 snuck in and the air got colder and colder. One day we found ourselves in the midst of a mini crisis. Our water pipe burst and water was everywhere. The pepper the situation with hubby who can’t work because it’s too cold, tight finances, and sick kids. When crisis’s happen, I am great in the middle of them. God’s grace is there covering me and helping me help everyone else make it through with a good attitude. It’s when the dust settles, the grace has lifted and I am left in a mess that I have no clue how to clean up or where to even start. So what do I do? You’d think I’d do what most people do… dust myself off and move on in the best way I can. Well… usually that is the case. Not this time. This time my feet are stuck like glue to the floor. I can’t move. I stop, curl up in a little ball and shut down.
So, again, here I am. Somewhere in all that craziness I have allowed the enemy to talk louder in fear, feed my anxiety and fuel my helplessness. But I don’t want to live in this anymore! I want to wake up. It took me, smashing my phone, getting on my knees in desperate prayer and a loving husband to get me to a spot where I could see clearly again. I’m exhausted of trying to figure out my life on my own. And we can’t do it alone! It takes Christ being there, in the midst, and being my strength. Sometimes crazy unexpected storms need to happen to get us to a place of desperation and realization to get us to the place where we cry out and ask for Jesus’ help! He is able! And He is willing!
For everyone will be seasoned with fire and every sacrifice will be seasoned with salt.
So don’t worry for me as I wander through the streets looking my Jesus, because it takes a desperate heart to search Him out. This is but a bump in the road, a season of testing the heart, of fire burning upon my heart to cause it to be pure for my beloved. I am willing to sacrifice all that I have just to have His presence near again. It’s not a matter of what, it’s a matter of having Him with me. He desires all out abandoned love. Not half hearted yes’s, but a love that is ALL in! He will meet us in our place of need. He comes to those who search for Him! I want Jesus to be the most important search of my life.
And when I find Him, I want Him to take my hand and I want to go leaping on mountains with Him! I want to trust Him! He is beautiful and takes dear care of our hearts. In every circumstance! He was even there when we miscarried Shekinah. He gave me a dream before we found out that I was carrying twins and one came early and lived, the other came at the “normal” due date. Once we miscarried the dream made sense. The one that came early was her and she IS living! In heaven with Jesus!!! (As far as the other baby, we assume that’s a future baby 🙂 But even in that, He gave me a dream to give us peace to allow us to know, that He knew! This wasn’t out of His realm of understanding. It didn’t shock Him. He knew this would happen and He will walk us through it. No one knows why these things happen. But it’s how we handle the situation that counts.
I am so thankful for my Jesus and in this season of winter, even though I can’t feel Him right now, I KNOW He’s there. He sees all that goes on and He cares! So I won’t stop searching for Him. I want all that He desires to give me and I can’t wait to pass that onto others who need Him desperately more than I do. So give Him your time and your effort. If your in a stuck season like I am, push through, cry out and ask for nothing less than Jesus Himself! He will come, He will warm & strengthen your cold & weary heart!!
Jesus, I have set my mind on it. I have made up my mind on what my soul desires. I long for Your presence, I am lovesick for You. Draw me away with You! Cause my heart to burn again, with a holy passion for Your will in my life, my family’s and this world! More of You and less of me. Come with Your holy fire and warm my heart. Amen